so, he's not a mama's boy

and actually, I'm ok with that...

because the beautiful trade off is that he's a total Daddy's boy

and it's something incredibly wonderful to behold

for both of them

and it makes me so happy

Attention Readers (Literally)!

Just wanted to invite those avid shoppers/readers out there, to stop by my Half.com shop online - AB and I are selling many books, and I know a lot of you love to bargain shop. The prices are very reasonable! Also, it's a way for us to raise money for Keira!

If we don't have what you're looking for, no worries! The website has thousands of choices for half and sometimes less than half what you might pay at a book store. It's such a great idea (wish I had thought of it!) Remember, when you buy more than one item from me in the same order you save on shipping! I'm also in the process of adding CD's and other items...

(Insert shameless plug right here): If you were going to buy it anyway, or were curious to read it but didn't want to pay full price - could you buy it from me? Ha!

Yahoo!

**Be sure to see my new post below as well!

On the note of fear

As a new mom I have come across a strange phenomenon in my life. One that I am not apt to share often - nor one that I'm particularly fond or proud of.

I'm wondering if you mothers have it too?

Tonight a friend of mine and I were talking about how fragile our kids seem to us. How, no matter their age - we have deep rooted and sometimes excessive fear that something will happen to take them away from us.

Sometimes the most benign thought processes end with me thinking these tragic and often morbid things regarding Quint - thoughts that I can't shake for hours. I even hate typing it now. It's so...I don't know...taboo. I can't even bear to go there in my mind - and yet sometimes, I find I can't seem to help it.

So I'm wondering if you feel that way? If you sometimes get lost down a rabbit hole of the dark thoughts of "what if"? Maybe some of you have actually lost a child or children? I know I have friends and even family who have and it's a tremendously dark road. One that I can't even begin to understand.

I told my friend tonight that I think what we fear the most is having to live through it. Live through the loss. That's what we're terrified of. The after.

I don't think there's a way to get around the fear - not altogether. I think being a Mom means putting your heart out there and being completely vulnerable to whatever may come. And loving our kids the way we do - and being so upside down in that love that we would do anything for them, makes it particularly hard to think of anything bad ever happening.

I don't think I've ever felt the kind of love that I have for Quint and perhaps that's what makes it so hard to conceive of the unthinkable. So every time my thoughts wander there, it's like getting my face slammed into cold water. Like getting stabbed in the chest, or thrown from a clifftop. It's breathtakingly hard to even think the thoughts...and still they come - and often. From the deep recesses of fear that we bury to survive. For truly, who could exist normally while trying to live with that level of fear all the time. We have to bury it on some level. We have to choose to "not go there" - or we'd crumble under it.

From my own faith perspective - I believe that Quint's days were numbered before time. The date he was born was decided long ago - as was the day and the hour that he would be called back home to the Lord. I don't type that lightly - because even typing it fills me with uneasy dread. I do pray that it will not be in my own lifetime.

But the fear, the horror of the thought...it's gripping sometimes, right? Downright macabre.

Do you feel the same? Honestly, how do you get around thinking these horrible thoughts? How do you try to avoid them and are you successful?

Is it worse when they're babies? Does it get better as they get older or worse? Do you just power through the thoughts - try to distract yourself - and keep moving?

Maybe I just want to know I'm not alone.

Thoughts?

yes, could I have the attention of the insect/rodent kingdom please....

Oh, Mr. Ant! Mr. Ant!

You there...yes, you...with the plans in your hand. The blueprints of my home in your sticky little...hand thing-ies. Can we chat? Seriously...where are you headed to next? I need to know. I can't take much more of this. The last time we talked - I admit, I was a little bit over the top...a little...ummm bitter. I might have taken drastic action for which the entomologists of the world might have had issue with me. Heck, I'll admit...perhaps your great great grand-pappy had issue with me? I'm not sure how fast your family chain grows. Anyway, I digress...

Can we talk turkey about the "plans" your colony has to take over mi casa? I know you have a lot of mouths to errr, feed...and someone has to bring home the bacon - but literally? I mean, did you have to bring home that bacon? It was expensive. I'm just sayin'. What about the bathroom? What business could you possibly have in there? For real. I'm mean - that is the "nothing to see here...keep movin'" zone. Literally. Even for humans. So what could you guys possibly want with the bathrooms? It's just a bunch of soap and water and toilets and old magazines that we never get time to read. Especially because we're too busy trying to squish annnn.....I mean...we...ahem. Where was I?

What about the laundry room? What's in there?!?! Oh yeah, I forgot. Kitty has her food in there. Well then, can I reason with you - she's old and her food is friggin expensive. Wanna know why? You're gonna love this. Because it's riddled with OLD FAT CAT MEDICINE you imbeciles. You think you're living off the fat of the land? You're actually eating laxatives to lay out an 18 pound cat. Seriously. Have you not noticed a "problem" back at the compound? Have you perhaps taken note of an increase in bathroom breaks for the workers? I'm sayin' - the ants have got to be taking all that fiber consumption in the postpetiole , if you know what I'm saying... It ain't no picnic. And let's not even talk about the Catlax. I've never seen an ant throw up - but it can't be pretty. Do you even have fur? More like spurs, right? Seen any ants back at home acting a little cooky? Cleaning themselves, perhaps? Yowling? Seriously dude...you need to avoid the laundry room. Move it or lose it.

What about my desk? What the frig is on my desk? This can't have a happy ending. I'm there too often. Too much. Sitting and writing and surfing...and then your pals come strolling across like it ain't no big thang. Brother, let me tell you - there is no ant heaven big enough to hold the multitude I've put down in the last week alone.

How about the nursery...Q's diaper pail? Seriously? Oh my gawd...that's so disgusting! Is it really that bad? I mean, I know the economy is rough and we're all struggling - but duuuuude. Diapers? For real? That ain't right! Does the wife know that's what you're hauling back? Isn't that more the work and goldmine of the fly????

Speaking of....

Mr. Fly?!? Mr. Fly!!!! Hi, got a sec? Marvy. Now here's what I need. Mmmkay? Can you please tell me why, for the love of God and all that's holy, you have made the decision to congregate and hold worship to the fly gods of Awfullotoffood and Massquantityofbabypoop in my house. I'm not even being funny - what in the frig is soooooo enchanting about my kitchen that you and your "homies" are kicking it fly style in every fold of my curtains, my trash can, my floor, my counter, my sink. Have you never heard of personal space? I'm dyin over here. You actually flew out of my drink today. OUT of my drink. Not IN it. I wanted to throw up in my mouth. Oh wait, that's what YOU DO. You nasty re-puker. Blech. You bulimic of the insect world! It's disgusting. Oh, and THANKS for the crap load of baby mutant nasty maggoty goodness you left in our outside trash can. That was TONS OF FUN. More fun was finding them on the floor of the garage and almost squishing them between my toes. OMG. Can't. Finish. Thought. Gonna. Hurl. blecccch.

PLEASE LEAVE!

Dear Mr. Wasp and Family: I know that our back patio seems like a great place to live. Heck, we live here. We know. We understand, truly. But I have to tell you - there ain't enough room for you and me and the little man all on the back patio at the same time. Let me explain. First of all - you scare the crap out of me and your mud house is ugly. Probably no one else wants to tell you, because they don't want to get stung or hurt your waspy feelings. I like to call em' like I sees em. That is one ugly house you're building and if you stick that stinger in me or ma' boy...well, we're gonna have a talk. The kind of talk that involves a high pressured hose. But let's go back to your "house" - if that's what you wanna call it. First of all - it has too many holes in it. Too breezy, if you know what I mean. Second, it's made of mud like stuff - so that sucks. Third, it's taking you forever to build it. It's been months and you're still working on that house like it's your only goal in life. Wait. It probably is your only goal in life. Well, I get that. But still. Could you move next door? Maybe a couple doors down on the right? They're not the nicest neighbors anyway and she's the one who hates my dog. See, compromise. It's all about compromise.

And last...to my newest tenant:

Mr. Mouse! Yes you, you grayish brownish little piece of furry delight....(*&@#*&^!$) I know I'm supposed to think you're cute. They sell you at the pet store. The world wants me to look at you and see, I don't know...Despereaux, or The Rescuers...or freaking Ratatouille....whatever. I can't do it. I just can't. You're cute when you're animated - but when you're running around my house, leaving your little poopy droppings here and there, just to remind me that you're still "in the wild" and haven't left - well, I can't just lie down and take it.

You and your little posse ran the place when we first moved in. Every time I turned around you were running along this wall and scurrying your little fannies over that wall. And I took it. And when I found you in the bread in the pantry, eating like your life depended on it and you gave me that matter-0f-fact "what?" look through the plastic of the bag...ok...un huh...and I threw the bag and ran to jump on the couch and scream like a girl (wait, I am a girl...) for like, ten minutes...and then called Anton and screamed some more...and insisted he come home and get you...and he said I had to deal with it...and so I went back in and got a broom (yes, a broom) and turned the bag over and you were gone, (yes, gone) and so I ran back to the couch and screamed some more, because you were alive and well-fed and on the lose? Remember that?

Well, since I've clearly never forgotten that, and clearly won't any time soon - and since it was clearly very traumatic for me - I'm gonna need you to make a small sacrifice for me. I'm gonna need you (and any pals you might be hiding or covering for) to go ahead and walk to the center of the room and stand very still while I get the cat. Now, don't panic. Don't worry. She's old and slow. It will be more like a game. Yeah, a game. But if you could just stand there...maybe do a little dance...wiggle it like you mean it - maybe drop a poopy or two...( I would) and then hold still. That'd be great.

Many thanks to you, the ant colony taking over my home, the wasp family living on my patio, the fly community for taking the time out of their busy yacking/eating schedule - and all the other little insects living among us...thanks for bringing nature indoors every day for us.

Now if you'll excuse me...I have an exterminator to ring...

friggity frack.

Sharin' a cup o' joe...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Yippee!

Tutus and Pettiskirts

Oh, it's such a girl thing - who are we kidding?!? And here's my shameless promotional plug for my dear friend Desiree - who owns a fab-o kids online store called Princess and Pirates. Click the link to check it out - but let's focus ladies, shall we?

Behold only a very small handful of the fu-fu tutu goodness that could be yours. Gasp!


How to choose?!?! You should see the orange and pink one. Oh, or the black and hot pink one...omg! To.Die. For.

If not for professional kiddo pictures you could take (or have taken), then at least for playing dress up, or party-going, or...maybe for dinner with Daddy? I don't know...there's got to be multiple reasons to own one of these. Or two. I'm just sayin...


Stop over and visit Des and her cute little corner of the world at P & P and you can see what I'm jabberin' about....so freaking cute! Me likey...me likey a lot!

Get em' while their hot, people!


Have fun, shopper gals!

In five, four, three, two....(silent finger up for one)

and we're back!

Well, it was a much needed and very appreciated time away. Both from the blog and from town.

The things that I needed to take care of and the time that I needed away...the Christie time that I was seeking out - all those things were addressed. And actually, I should say that - I had no intention of leaving town - but thanks to my ever charming husband who knows me all too well - we were invited to spend a cost free three days at a cabin in the Ozarks. Our expectations weren't high - we were just thrilled to get away. Anton's parents agreed to keep our little mister - and we were looking forward to the time to have uninterrupted thoughts and conversation. Maybe even to read a book - or nap for hours on end! Ahhhh, bliss!

In fact, we were so pleasantly shocked at the beauty and tranquility of this delightful cabin. In the middle of virtually no-where...with the most amazing views of the mountains from every side of the front and back porch. Everything about it was quaint...warm...and just plain old welcoming. The hosts were friends of the family - and they own the little cabin - living not too far away from it. They completely stocked the fridge and pantry, made sure the air was on to compensate for the heat, and everything we could possibly need was accounted for. It was unbelievable! The minute we walked in the door, we decided we wanted to stay for weeks! (If only that were possible!!)

But we didn't waste one minute of our time alone - and it was such a sweet and memorable time together. We quite literally didn't leave for three days - and finally ventured into town to try out a recommended hole in the wall cafe for breakfast (which, did not disappoint). Anton cooked the most amazing meals in that little kitchen.


We spent mornings on the front porch, cup of coffee in hand, and journals at the ready. Talking, breathing in the mountain air and listening to the few sounds we could hear - birds and forest life. It was enchanting.

We would move indoors to read, or spend time talking - napping, writing, playing games...just as we had planned to do. We literally ate, slept, ate, slept, and ate some more. It was an amazing time of rest and nourishment for our minds and our bodies. And more so for our marriage...

Who knew how much weight could be placed on being able to have a complete and coherent conversation with the one you love? We didn't. Until we were able to...and realized how easy it was - in just one short year - (maybe more...) to slip into a parenting routine that virtually strips you of your alone time. You don't even see it coming. Don't even notice it going...

Then you realize you're on different roads...and you're hollering back and forth - trying to communicate between the distance. Trying to move forward, while the distance between you makes it harder and harder to drive.

We didn't even realize it had gotten that bad. But I suspect it's this way in most marriages. The important thing is, to spot it and address it immediately. My experience tells me - it will not go away on its own. You must deal with it. Talk about it. Get away (even for a weekend) and reconnect - get on the same road again...or better yet, the same vehicle!

I think for me, the unknowns, as I previously blogged about, were really starting to take their toll. I know I'm not alone. I have many women friends who I talk with regularly. Many of us share the same anxiety - the same fears - the same sadness. What am I doing, where am I going, what's the point, who is this for, is there more?!?!

Fortunately, I was able to answer a lot of those questions in the middle of the Ozarks. I had time to process with the person I trust most in this world. I cried, I laughed, I journaled, and cried some more. I talked at great length, and he listened. He talked (albeit at not as great a length as me) and I listened. We got to the bottom of some patternistic behaviors we both have, and how we can work on them. We shared our hopes for our little family - and were relieved to see that we wanted the same things - thank God - we still wanted the same things for us and for our future.

We made some good progress on why I was feeling so blue - and now I have some work I need to do to address those things. "Some work" is kind of an understatement - but for the sake of both giving you some transparency while maintaining some privacy - I'll leave it at that.

So needless to say - it's good to be home, and it's good to be back. Everyone needs a little break now and then - and I think I was overdue on giving myself the permission for one.

Quint did spectacular with his grandparents, and they fell hook line and sinker for that dimpled smile of his! My only beef? He didn't cry. Not even once. Stinker! On the way home he boo-hoo'd and whined...so we called them up and let them listen. "Not even once?" I joked. "You never heard this?" I prodded, while holding the phone close to his wailing. Nope. Not even once. Well, wonders never cease. Guess he saves it all up for momma. Sigh.

Outside of returning to life as we know it - there have been many things going on:

One of our dogs got injured and had to have stitches on her face. Boo! Same dog also got sick all over the house and our bed while we were gone. Poor Pet-Sitter. Boo!

AB took up a summer job working in a fine-dining restaurant as a chef. Whooyaa! You go baby! He wants the experience to put in his mental filing cabinet for the "own your own restaurant someday" dream. So proud of you!

Quint is 19 months and growing like a weed. He's still not speaking - BUT! today I said "hey Quint, say dog" and he looked at me and said "dog". Then he flashed the impish grin. Little turd. We're still working with ECI in the meantime to get him up to speed. Yaay for words! He's also babbling up a storm. Won't be long now and I won't be able to turn it off.

We're enjoying the summer - but wheewee is it hot in Texas. We're in the 100's and upper 90's. Yikes! Even the pool water is a little too warm - even though that doesn't seem to keep us from it! Quint is working on becoming a water bug. So far, so good.

Yard work is for the birds. Boo. Two thumbs down.

Still ticked off at Jon and Kate. Double Boo.

Have a raging head cold that has left me feeling completely miserable since Thursday night. UGH!

Ok, and just a little (ahem) side note. China has matched families through 3-20-06 as of last week. Reminder: we're 3-29-06. Now, I do not expect to see July referrals that will include 9 days. However, I do expect we'll see our little KJB in the next two to three months. I do expect they will take as long as possible to match the next 9 days - but still. Only nine days. I can remember all too well when it was 4 months ahead of us...or 2 months. Just nine days. Piece of cake. Right? Gulp.

Couple who just renewed their vows and said they'd never divorce, said what?!?!

Ok - preface: I will post about the trip we took, the absence, the latest, etc. Standby. Need some time on that one.

But after coming back from said trip, I sat my bo-hiney down on the couch to see what I missed on Monday. What the big "announcement" was. What the fuss would be.

Say what?!?!?

Anton and I were speechless. Almost depressed.

Anton walked out of the room with a scoff and muttered "so selfish".

I wanted to write the network, wanted to send a fan-mail, wanted to sniffle in my soup...

Instead, I remembered I have this little corner of the world in which I can effectively vent to my heart's content. So this is my random rant of the day.

P.O'd, folks. That's what I am.

Did they not just renew their vows a year ago in front of those EIGHT children and say they would never get divorced - come hell or high-water? WHAT THE FRIG!

When you have EIGHT frigging kids, you better freaking work it out. TALK. Communicate. (Remember K said he won't even talk to her at all - no communication?) Walk through it with professionals who can help you sort it out. Take a breather. Get to know each other again. Remember why you fell in love to begin with. Apply some grace. Apply some forgiveness. Make some changes. Do the work. Think of the dang kids, for crying out loud.

When you are being monumentally selfish and putting yourself first (not your kids, as you pretend to) - that's when you walk away and freaking use the word "excited" like Jon did when he spoke of moving on. Freaking earring in his stupid ear...I wanted to rip it out.

How many times did J say "I have to take care of myself". BS. No, you have to step up and be a man, and take care of your wife (that YOU chose and married) and YOUR eight children - that YOU brought into the world. Sometimes you have to wake up and say that you may not FEEL like loving your spouse today, but you CHOOSE to. It's hard work to be married and have a good marriage. It takes constant care. Constant communication. Constantly putting your spouse first - each living for the other.

How many times did K say "I will put my children first, always". Well guess what? That's your friggin problem, sister. Mom and Dad first. Spouse first. Not kiddos. Take care of Mom and Dad, and kids will follow. How about stop disparaging your husband every opportunity you get - to his face - in front of your children and the rest of the America? Maybe show your kids what love looks like by respecting each other, loving each other, putting each other first. What a valuable and tremendous thing you will teach them about love and marriage.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

They said they don't want to fight in front of the kids. Don't want the kids to see that. Well here's an idea...DON'T then. Learn to communicate. Learn to respect each other. Learn to not emasculate your husband 24/7.

Oh sh!@#!@#$#@% I could go on and on.

I'm so pissed. What a crock of crap. Two selfish people, acting selfishly, to take care of #1. Themselves first. Kids second. Spouse last.

Kate said it - "we're making our kids a statistic". Wow. You sure are, aren't you? And surprisingly, you're going to go through with it anyway. Hmmm...Selfish.

RIDICULOUS!

*Please remember this is my personal blog and as such, the opinions expressed here are my own and I am entitled to them. i.e. don't send me hate mail. You're entitled to disagree.

impromptu

we're going to take an impromptu mini-vacation.

we know a friend who knows a friend who has a fully furnished but lovely rustic family cabin in the Ozarks.

she's generously offered to let us stay in the cabin this week, and so we're going to take her up on it.

this will be a wonderful time for us and a lovely opportunity to get away and relax for several days.

we leave tomorrow and return thursday. and to extend my blog-absence slightly longer, there is no internet at the cabin. while this is great for us - it does put me further out on an updated post. but i think you're all ok with that. the comments have been nothing but supportive of my self-imposed silence.

for those worried - i can put your mind at ease. there is nothing wrong that cannot be fixed. nothing broken that is not repairable. nothing lost that can't be found. and of course, i speak to my own heartache, sadness, and a good case of the the "blahs". i can already feel some of that lifting slightly. sometimes it just takes lots of reflection and a good support system - of which I have the very best friends and family - and the world's best husband!

i do wish that i could blog on tuesday to say how perplexed/sad/angry/p.o'd/etc. i am going to be when jon and freaking kate announce they are divorcing during their 1-hour special monday night. that is going to send me into a rant. when you have eight little kids - you better dang well work it out. you don't just quit. life sucks. it's hard. you still have a choice to make it work. when you go gallivanting around the country to church after church speaking about how you live the christian lifestyle - you better darn well show that by how you live and the choices you make. i swear. they are teetering so close to losing all respect - they really need to close the shop, fix their broken family, and move on - for the sake of those kids. omg. what about the kids?!?! beh! double beh!

meanwhile - i would be remiss to fail to mention two more things:

Happy Father's Day to my dear old dad - who is presently still in the hospital, recovering from his last surgery two weeks ago. I love you, Dad! I wish we could be together to celebrate. Get well soon and get home - can't wait to see you again. When is that gonna be exactly?!? XO


And, Happy Father's Day to my sweetie. This is his second time getting to partake of the daddy celebration - and I'm so proud of him - he's the best Daddy to our boy. Quint is so lucky to have you, babe!


until next week, then - eh? take care and be well...

broken roads

feeling a bit [picture at left]



can you forgive me for just a little while longer?



thanks, I knew you would ~

We're like JET Magazine up in here...

I swear we do not sit at home and practice posing. Seriously.

Thanks Auntie R

Be Back Soon

Everything is fine...

Just need a mini-break. Could be two days, could be a week...

Love you guys

I've got you, hang on to me...

I've been browsing blogs and I'm seeing that many of you are preparing for the summer, taking breaks from writing, sporadically checking in to let everyone know you're around - just uber busy and/or otherwise pre-occupied. Some of you are racing off to China unexpectedly (wink wink P-mama), just getting back from China, or still trying to settle into your routine after becoming a new parent.

Confession number 1: I'm not busy

Confession number 2: I'm not otherwise pre-occupied

Confesion number 3: I'm neither racing off to China (sniffle), just getting back from China (sigh), nor settling in to new parenting. (btdt)

Honestly? I'm just blue.

I don't know why. I don't know what it is. I can't quite put my finger on it. Every time I think of blogging, I just shrug. Don't know what to say. Feeling kind of bleh. And then blah. And then "sigh".

Maybe because Quint's been having a hard time - whether it be teething out those last two molars, fighting the urge, rather unsuccessfully, to throw a fit at every infarction, or constantly frustrated that we can't communicate yet. This leaves Mama feeling rather overwhelmed. And sometimes I have a tantrum with him - cathartic, I tell myself.

Maybe because Anton is exhausted after finally finishing a long and busy school year - and as ready as he is for a nice long summer break - it's not in the financial cards this time around. I'm sad for that - because he worked so hard and went so far above and beyond for the kids - and it's not time to rest, like it should be.

Maybe the fact that we're staring down summer #4 without our sweetie pie KJ running around the pool - chasing brother - and being silly? Maybe because Quint points to her crib and chatters away as if saying "where is she?". I don't know...she is supposed to be there, isn't she? Feels like we got on a boat fully loaded, fully staffed, and fully gassed. Somewhere over the Pacific we dozed off and when we woke up - we were in a little dingy...no paddles, no oars, no gas...no staff....and not a scrap of land in sight. And so there we are...drifting, rocking, swaying to the silence. No idea when we're going to hit land. No idea if we'll be ready to get out of the boat when we do...

Maybe the fact that the older I get (and I'm not that old, I swear) the faster time just seems to slip away from me. The time to say "I'll go here" and "I'll do this". The time to relax and enjoy my life. The life that already came and went yesterday or the one that's still waiting for me tomorrow. I don't know about you, but I am that person who wanted four kids. Wanted a big family. Wanted lots of things that seem to be drifting away before I can stop them.

People say it all the time - "enjoy it - it goes by too quick".

My Mom said to me just the last time I was with her "I look in the mirror and I can see that I'm almost 60, but my mind doesn't believe it...I say 'I'm not ready to be 60...I'm not done yet...I have so much to do still!' and yet I can argue all I like but I know that it doesn't change the fact that time is always slipping away from me". I love her.

It's how I feel now, I guess.

Where is time running to so fast and what am I supposed to do with the remainder of my adult years - without feeling I've piddled them away on just living? I know it sounds like a tall order, but my lord...there must be more than day in and day out for us.

I want to know what we're supposed to do - our little family. Are we just supposed to be a nuclear family of three...(or four?... or five?...or six?) and live our pretty little life in the suburbs - like the Cleavers? Scraping by like everyone else in this abysmal economy (except Mr. Obama, Oprah, and Dave Ramsey of course) ? Are we supposed to do more? Be more? See more?

I don't know about you. I only know about me, about us. My little handbook of questions. This is like a quest to find where God would have us. Where/how/when/etc.

I do know that AB and I are feeling winds of change...feeling that we are being pulled towards change. Change that may roll thunderously through our lives and uproot us to a grand adventure - but if that's so, then bring the thunder - the very one that rolls the blue away.

Change takes time. So who knows when that will be and what we should do in the interim.

Something about the way AB looked into my eyes tonight - just seeing my "blue" before I could even articulate it to him - it said "don't worry...I'll look after you". Literally. Without a word being said - all that confusion and frustration, and apathy...just rolled back from where it came for a while - all in that one gaze that said "I've got you, hang on to me..."

And maybe I just needed to be reminded that no matter how blue things seem to be sometimes - whether it's about money, or babies, or lack thereof, or family problems, death, sickness, loneliness, discontent...that someone else has my back. Has a tight grasp on me while I dangle over the darkness. Someone holding tightly to the rope that anchors me to my sunshine...to my sweet boys and to my future and all that we can do together.

All three, four or five of us...

I think I might be coming down with fever...

sweet moses...is it really only June??? For the love of Pete...